Previously on Made in Chandlery...
Peter: "BEEEN! You idiot!"
Benji: "I think I've flooded the toilet.."
Charlotte: "I'm pregnant..."
Sean: "Yeah I know...!"
Charlotte: "Oh yeah!"
All: "HOLY SHIT! WATCH OOOOOUT!!"
CRASH! BANG! WALLOP!!
Peter: "BEEEN! You idiot!"
Benji: "I think I've flooded the toilet.."
Charlotte: "I'm pregnant..."
Sean: "Yeah I know...!"
Charlotte: "Oh yeah!"
All: "HOLY SHIT! WATCH OOOOOUT!!"
CRASH! BANG! WALLOP!!
Ok.. it wasn't that dramatic.
But we broke down man! On the first bloody day! With 2 weeks still to go! And we were still just outside Daventry! I could have taken a bus home and packed another bag full of pointless items!
*By the way, if you don't follow what's going on or who is who or what a Chandlery is, have a gander at Part One underneath this blog.
So here's the story... We were cruising along, taking it in turns to steer the boat when all of a sudden, some ninja ducks jumped on us from the trees and ambushed us making us swerve all over the place and we hit a swimming deer and a whole lineage of rare ducks in a row like a scene from Grand Theft Auto..
Ok, exaggerations aside.. it was Charlotte's fault.
Being pregnant, her hormones were out of this world and she was craving candy floss or bacon flavoured pop tarts or something, got distracted and killed Clive who was a random drifter we picked up along the way who I neglected to mention in Part One..
Ok... Ok... that didn't happen either. But it was Charlotte's fault.. But we forgive her.. (She's paying the damages. She may need to sell her wedding ring and force her unborn baby to go on "I'm a baby, get me out of here!" reality show to raise funds.) - Only kidding. (Again.. I've had another bag of peanut M&M's as I type this!!)
But we broke down man! On the first bloody day! With 2 weeks still to go! And we were still just outside Daventry! I could have taken a bus home and packed another bag full of pointless items!
*By the way, if you don't follow what's going on or who is who or what a Chandlery is, have a gander at Part One underneath this blog.
So here's the story... We were cruising along, taking it in turns to steer the boat when all of a sudden, some ninja ducks jumped on us from the trees and ambushed us making us swerve all over the place and we hit a swimming deer and a whole lineage of rare ducks in a row like a scene from Grand Theft Auto..
Ok, exaggerations aside.. it was Charlotte's fault.
Being pregnant, her hormones were out of this world and she was craving candy floss or bacon flavoured pop tarts or something, got distracted and killed Clive who was a random drifter we picked up along the way who I neglected to mention in Part One..
Ok... Ok... that didn't happen either. But it was Charlotte's fault.. But we forgive her.. (She's paying the damages. She may need to sell her wedding ring and force her unborn baby to go on "I'm a baby, get me out of here!" reality show to raise funds.) - Only kidding. (Again.. I've had another bag of peanut M&M's as I type this!!)
........................
So we're cruising along and there was a low hanging branch sticking quite far into the middle of the canal and Charlotte did her best to try and avoid it but we had to stay central as we were on a slight bend and unfortunately, the tip of the branch scraped past one of Peters ropes (that moors the boat) and it whipped past us in great speed (Sean lost an arm, Charlotte lost a foot, Peter lost more hair and I broke a nail) and to no avail, we couldn't catch it in time before it wrapped itself around the propellor and immediately slowed us down.
Unbeknowst to the rest of us, we didn't realise how bad the situation was.. I thought we just had to give the boat a wiggle or rev up the engine and wham, bam, thank you Pam from Notting-ham.. we'll be on our way. But that was far from it.
We moored up and assessed the situation.
And this is where we all got introduced to the WEED HATCH! Dum, Dum, Duuh!!
So we're cruising along and there was a low hanging branch sticking quite far into the middle of the canal and Charlotte did her best to try and avoid it but we had to stay central as we were on a slight bend and unfortunately, the tip of the branch scraped past one of Peters ropes (that moors the boat) and it whipped past us in great speed (Sean lost an arm, Charlotte lost a foot, Peter lost more hair and I broke a nail) and to no avail, we couldn't catch it in time before it wrapped itself around the propellor and immediately slowed us down.
Unbeknowst to the rest of us, we didn't realise how bad the situation was.. I thought we just had to give the boat a wiggle or rev up the engine and wham, bam, thank you Pam from Notting-ham.. we'll be on our way. But that was far from it.
We moored up and assessed the situation.
And this is where we all got introduced to the WEED HATCH! Dum, Dum, Duuh!!
So now you've clicked on that button and listened to the immensely charismatic voice of that weed hatch man, we can swiftly move on..
Now I thought I was going to observe a sophisticated operation but given the fact that the boat is from the 80's and its a narrow boat, not a Formula 1 car (and much, much, much, much slower than one) It was inevitable that the operation would be anything but sophisticated.
The procedure is to take the decking off from the back of the boat, dip inside and open up the lid to the weed hatch, say a little prayer to Jebus and dip your hand inside cold, murky canal water through a tiny hatch and... well you've seen the video above right??? - Oh yeah, and TURN OFF THE ENGINE!!! Or your arm will be mince meat (which we had cheese for!)
So in a nutshell, Peter tried to unravel the rope that was caught up around the propeller but what he discovered was far worse than he imagined. FAR WORSE!
Now I thought I was going to observe a sophisticated operation but given the fact that the boat is from the 80's and its a narrow boat, not a Formula 1 car (and much, much, much, much slower than one) It was inevitable that the operation would be anything but sophisticated.
The procedure is to take the decking off from the back of the boat, dip inside and open up the lid to the weed hatch, say a little prayer to Jebus and dip your hand inside cold, murky canal water through a tiny hatch and... well you've seen the video above right??? - Oh yeah, and TURN OFF THE ENGINE!!! Or your arm will be mince meat (which we had cheese for!)
So in a nutshell, Peter tried to unravel the rope that was caught up around the propeller but what he discovered was far worse than he imagined. FAR WORSE!
Ok, not that bad..
But Peter had stupidly attached a mega tough, highly robust and multi layered climbing rope to the boat and that tough as nails rope was wrapped securely around the propellor.
So what was the solution?
Get a saw and sort of masturbate the boat (well it looked that way from where I was standing..)
But Peter had stupidly attached a mega tough, highly robust and multi layered climbing rope to the boat and that tough as nails rope was wrapped securely around the propellor.
So what was the solution?
Get a saw and sort of masturbate the boat (well it looked that way from where I was standing..)
Yeah, Pregnant Charlotte was helping out... this is why she was the "The Practical Preggo"
So we sawed and sawed and got wet and we sawed and got wet and sawed and got wet and I kept panicking about hygiene so had my trusty antiseptic gel at the ready, cringing every time Peter would scratch his face with his canal coated fingers. And we took it in turns as night fell on us and we were so determined not to quit this epic trip so prematurely. Not on day one!
So we pushed on, adding morale to the situation, trying to motivate ourselves, trying desperately to loosen the rope from the propeller and continue with our intended journey. We kept sawing and tagging out and resting then sawing again. Peter took his top off, Sean had another puff of his E-Ciggarette, Charlotte searched for information online and I was having a poo...
And after 2 hours or possibly more, we made progress. What a team we were. Such solid support and guidance and team spirit. Our hard work finally paid off. This is what adventures like these were made for!
We did it!
We bloody did it!
.....We sawed off a tiny slither of rope the size of a grape!
Bollocks!
So we pushed on, adding morale to the situation, trying to motivate ourselves, trying desperately to loosen the rope from the propeller and continue with our intended journey. We kept sawing and tagging out and resting then sawing again. Peter took his top off, Sean had another puff of his E-Ciggarette, Charlotte searched for information online and I was having a poo...
And after 2 hours or possibly more, we made progress. What a team we were. Such solid support and guidance and team spirit. Our hard work finally paid off. This is what adventures like these were made for!
We did it!
We bloody did it!
.....We sawed off a tiny slither of rope the size of a grape!
Bollocks!
We decided to moor up the night and deal with it tomorrow.
Peter as you can imagine was not a happy captain. But we remained in positive spirits and we were still in some pretty beautiful territory. Can't complain.
What was hilarious was the fact we felt like we broke down in the middle of nowhere but in fact, when looking on our phones and Google Maps. We were pretty much near a main road and a few minutes from a Tesco.
Charlotte even suggested ordering a Dominos pizza to the boat. As you can expect, my eyes lit up like a puppy, how cool would it have been for a delivery dude to scramble down a toe path with boxes of pizza? Or a Dominos narrow boat coming down the river... actually that would have taken ages...
Peter as you can imagine was not a happy captain. But we remained in positive spirits and we were still in some pretty beautiful territory. Can't complain.
What was hilarious was the fact we felt like we broke down in the middle of nowhere but in fact, when looking on our phones and Google Maps. We were pretty much near a main road and a few minutes from a Tesco.
Charlotte even suggested ordering a Dominos pizza to the boat. As you can expect, my eyes lit up like a puppy, how cool would it have been for a delivery dude to scramble down a toe path with boxes of pizza? Or a Dominos narrow boat coming down the river... actually that would have taken ages...
Somewhere along there... Yay a map you can play with. Try and find a bin in Oxford I accidentally threw my hat in..
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We all went inside, cleaned up and decided to eat something while playing Cards against Humanity. The end result was masterful. Peter being a unique chef that gives Heston Blumenthal a run for his money with his inventiveness..
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We all went inside, cleaned up and decided to eat something while playing Cards against Humanity. The end result was masterful. Peter being a unique chef that gives Heston Blumenthal a run for his money with his inventiveness..
We ate. We merried. And now it was time to sleep. (I'm probably missing some random happenings but sue me!)
WHAT A MOON! Said nobody.
Sleeping time. Feck. I hate camping. I hate sleeping in small places. I twitch a lot. I get restless leg. I move around a lot and I speak in my sleep.
Peter falls asleep instantly like an off button was switched and he snores incredibly loud and he falls asleep in his clothes like dead weight right near my legs.
Sleeping time. Feck. I hate camping. I hate sleeping in small places. I twitch a lot. I get restless leg. I move around a lot and I speak in my sleep.
Peter falls asleep instantly like an off button was switched and he snores incredibly loud and he falls asleep in his clothes like dead weight right near my legs.
This is going to be a long ass night...